trust.
I feel like everyone has this secret agenda in every little thing they do. I swear, every word released from someone’s lips is a lie. I wish I could look at someone and say they’re genuine in what they’re saying, but after years of hearing empty promises and being unfulfilled….trust doesn’t come easily.
I want to trust. I want to feel like I can rely on a person solely based on their words. But the truth of the matter is…I don’t. I can’t.
My circle stays tight. The grip of it not expanding beyond the width of my skinny, pinky finger. It’s that tight. Because I only trust the little in my very tight circle, and only them. I don’t invite anyone else in.
I know everyone had people let them down before, so they’re all “oh i’ve been hurt, i can’t trust anyone, blah blah blah” I understand that’s probably how this post will look to people. But I don’t care. I’m so serious in how I feel. Because my feelings are the only things I’m ever sure of.
Once you’ve wronged me. You’ve wronged me. I don’t forgive lightly. But I don’t hold grudges either. I won’t always scowl at a person who’s hurt me. But I’m not going to act flowers and candy whenever I’m around that person. They’ll know I don’t trust them in my demeanor. They’ll know that I don’t believe a thing they say. They’ll know.
I’m ranting. It’s 3 in the morning and I can’t sleep. I don’t have pen and paper on hand at the moment, and I guess I wanted a little outlet for the moment. Here it is.
I’m emotionally damaged, and I don’t trust about 95% of the people in my life. But I’m trying. I’m trying to heal. I’m trying to change. Because I don’t want to be like this forever. I want to meet someone, I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to have a wedding with lots of people who I love and who love me back. I want that so badly. In order to get there, I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I have to get over the issues I have within myself. It all starts with me.
Notes
